


because you're like a fever dream but twice as sweet

by PurpleCatGhost



Series: HLVRAI Fanfics [8]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: (kinda), Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Chuck E Cheese Debate, It starts out rough but don't worry, Lack of Communication, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poison, Poisoning, Sick Fic, Sickness, Temporary Character Death, Xen is a character and they are a collective hivemind and also a BITCH, hivemind - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleCatGhost/pseuds/PurpleCatGhost
Summary: Xen has always adapted to kill the unkillable. Thicker skin to combat bullets, heat seeking attacks from those who try to hide, and ranging in all sorts of shapes and sizes for different mobility and strength.The entity who calls himself Benrey has made himself a threat to the beings of Xen by aiding the human known as Gordon Freeman in killing many of their kind. So, the beings of Xen must do what they do best and find a way to kill him as well.(Or in other words, Benrey takes a hit and can’t get back up from it. At least, not on his own)
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Everyone & Everyone, Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI Fanfics [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744285
Comments: 59
Kudos: 573





	because you're like a fever dream but twice as sweet

**Author's Note:**

> I've been waiting to finish and release this fic for so long and now its FINISHED!
> 
> Heads up, a bit of weird beginning but the first part of the fic takes place in Xen's perspective as a hivemind! I got kinda carried away with it-

The most accurate thing for the beings on Earth to call Xen would be a Hivemind.

Every single being on Xen shares the same thoughts. The world breathes together, thinks together, and fights together. A headcrab lunges because it is told to. The barnacles eat because it is their job. Even the almighty Nihilanth has orders that it obeys.

Because while the Nihilanth is the most powerful among them, it is not in charge. They are all one, they are all together, they are Xen. 

And Xen is angry.

Xen had a plan, see? Xen wasn’t big enough- they needed to _expand._ Expand, grow, repopulate, expand, grow, repopulate- bigger and bigger until Xen is eventually satisfied. If Xen is ever satisfied, that is.

Earth was a funny little world. Earth was big. Earth was filled with _delicious_ beings, had an atmosphere that Xen could breathe in, and was still taking its first steps out as a world. Earth was perfectly ripe for the taking. Those funny, little, curious humans did the hard part for them too- creating a rift between Xen and Earth that allowed the beings of Xen to cross over and start to finally take what would eventually be theirs.

The humans- funny, little, stubborn humans- tried to fight back of course. They did an admirable job but Xen would not give up so easily. Xen had plenty of firepower to go around.

But then they thought of a plan. One to strike back. Xen is not stupid. Xen knows of this plan. To send a few funny, little, meaty humans to Xen and try and kill the most powerful being of them all: Nihilanth. Xen is trying to stop this plan, but they have not made it easy.

Xen watches these ones who are supposed to be sent over. They’re an odd bunch.

According to what Xen hears, the leader of their little pack is a human by the name of ‘Gordon Freeman’. He’s a loud human but a dangerous one. Despite losing a limb- which humans seem to hate, humans _love_ their limbs- this Gordon Freeman is still fighting. Still trying to make his way to a place called Lambda Lab where he will cross over into Xen, whether he knows it or not. But truthfully, what he knows does not matter to Xen. What he will _do_ however, does.

Then there’s two older humans that go by the names ‘Coomer’ and ‘Bubby’ respectively. There seems to be a title that is attached to them, but Xen does not respect the titles of humanity. They are worthless. They mean nothing.

These pair of humans are especially odd. One has duplicates of himself- a Hivemind of his own- but kills these members of his Hivemind. Curious. Xen is more powerful as one being, but this one, Coomer, seems to be more powerful on his own. A concept which Xen does not understand.

Then the other, Bubby, was made by humans but not in the traditional way that Xen has seen. Rather, this Bubby seems to have been created by other humans. Meant to be the perfect human. Xen takes an interest in this one at first, but grows frustrated with him when Xen learns that Bubby is all too fond of setting their own on fire.

The one who calls himself ‘Tommy Coolatta’ is a tricky one. He is human, but he is not. He carries the same blood as the entity known as The G-Man, who is _not_ human at all but has a sickening fondness for them that Xen will never understand. Tommy Coolatta is like The G-Man but he is also human. He is also proficient in the barbaric weapons of Earth and has killed many creatures of Xen. So while interesting, Tommy Coolatta is another enemy of Xen, as well as his bloodline, The G-Man.

Which leaves the final entity, the one who calls himself ‘Benrey’. Benrey is similar to The G-Man but not quite. Neither are human, but they are not the same either. Xen is not sure what either of them are exactly, but truth be told, Xen does not see a point in finding out.

At first, Xen views Benrey as a potential ally. Benrey is not human, after all, and only kills when threatened. Xen does not blame Benrey for the deaths of the Golem or any others because Xen believes that having a being such as Benrey on Xen’s side could tip the scales and Xen could finally claim Earth.

Xen sees the entity known as Benrey betray the human known as Gordon Freeman. It seems perfect. Xen just might be able to sway Benrey to their side with this new development.

Xen uses the many eyes at their disposal to keep an eye on Benrey. Xen needs to catch him alone- to negotiate. Benrey has to break off from his group at one point, and Xen will be there with an offer when he does. 

Xen watches through several perspectives at once, but fixates their view on the perspectives from a gaggle of headcrabs. Their beady, little eyes show Xen exactly what they want to see. The human known as Gordon Freeman and the entity known as Benrey are alone, separated from the rest of the group.

Xen thinks together and they conclude that this very moment is much like eating two humans at once. A plan is formed in the heads of every single being on Xen. Xen wants the entity known as Benrey on their side and the human known as Gordon Freeman gone. And Xen has just the way to do it.

The human known as Gordon Freeman is a tough one to kill- but he has been weakened. Ever since his loss of a right limb, he has been unable to fight back. He relies on those around him, but the only one around him now is the entity known as Benrey. And Benrey was the one who got his limb taken away in the first place. Surely, Gordon Freeman’s death would be in his best interests.

Xen gathers as many headcrabs and a few nearby vortigaunts, and then commands them to make their move. They act as one, breathing in sync and despite having very different movement speeds, they step in sync as well. 

Xen prides themselves in their collective mind, after all.

The human known as Gordon Freeman doesn’t notice them at first, instead arguing with the entity known as Benrey. Gordon Freeman screams, red in the face and teeth bared. Normally, this would be considered a threat display on Xen but human teeth are far duller. It still appears to be a defensive tactic, but less effective.

Which is why it surprises Xen when Benrey seems to swallow the message and looks away. It doesn’t make sense, really. The entity known as Benrey is far more dangerous than the human known as Gordon Freeman, especially now. Benrey could slap him around, put him back in his place, or even _kill_ Gordon Freeman if he wanted to. But Benrey doesn’t even raise his voice or meet his gaze.

Compliant. Cowardly. Controlled. 

Like an Earthy dog on a leash, sitting pitifully and patient for their owner to come back. It sickens Xen. The entity known as Benrey deserves more than this. The human known as Gordon Freeman doesn’t measure up to Benrey in the slightest. Benrey is practically a god, and Gordon Freeman is nothing but a mortal human who barks and barks and barks but his bite doesn’t measure up.

But Xen will set Benrey free. 

Xen attacks as one, targeting Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Freeman sees the headcrab lung itself at him and lets out a shrill cry for help. The first headcrab misses but collects itself, ready to try again. The other five as well as the three vortigaunts Xen had collected all step out from the shadows, ready to strike.

The human known as Gordon Freeman is much louder now, backing up as he tries to escape. However Xen has boxed him in and intends to show him no mercy.

A headcrab gets shot and dies on the spot. Three others join it in the blink of an eye, and Xen watches in a quiet disbelief. The entity known as Benrey holds a gun and is shooting the creatures of Xen. Benrey _protects_ Gordon Freeman.

 _Perhaps,_ Xen thinks, _he doesn’t realize what we can do for him._ So in their alien tongue, Xen speaks through one of the vortigaunts. Benrey stops shooting and listens, despite Gordon Freeman’s frantic commands to keep attacking.

 _Step back, we can kill Gordon Freeman._ Xen tells him. _Gordon Freeman is small. Weak. Mortal. You are so much more than he will ever be. You do not need to fear or obey him. Gordon Freeman can be erased. We can work together. We see you as so much more than a tool. You are our equal. And we want you._

The entity known as Benrey hears this and pauses. All of Xen holds their breath. This could be it. Earth will be theirs for the taking. Xen will expand, grow, and repopulate as they have always wanted.

The entity known as Benrey raises his gun and shoots the remaining aliens. Xen stares in shock before a blinding rage stirs in the core of every single being on Xen.

Xen cools themselves off. Xen must make a plan of action. Xen will not let this rejection stop them.

So the entity known as Benrey has chosen the human known as Gordon Freeman over Xen. Benrey has decided to be nothing more than a guard dog to a lowly human. Fine. Xen doesn’t care. The entity known as Benrey can make his own choices. Idiotic choices, but his choices nonetheless.

Benrey can stay with a human who doesn’t respect him and be valued at a level far lower than his godly abilities should be. Benrey can be an Earthly dog all he wants.

Now, Xen knows Benrey is on the side of Gordon Freeman. Which makes him just as much of a threat as everyone else.

And with his powers, Benrey is the biggest threat to Xen yet. Which means in order to expand, grow, and repopulate, Xen must take him out.

The entity known as Benrey does not die easily, however. In fact, while Benrey does die, he does not stay dead. Benrey’s body might be ripped apart but Benrey puts it back together again and lives again and again and again. 

His abilities make him unkillable. So if Xen wants him gone, they must kill him from the inside.

Xen prides itself in killing the unkillable. They work tirelessly to improve- to upgrade what needs to be upgraded and create something new to combat their new enemies. The humans on Earth are easy to kill but with the entity known as Benrey, Xen must try something different. A less direct approach, a way to reach deep inside and destroy him.

Xen thinks, breathes, and moves in sync. And Xen slowly creates a bitter liquid that just might bring about the end of the entity known as Benrey.

It’s nothing personal. Xen does not do this because Benrey rejected Xen. Xen does this because in the grand game of nature and survival, Xen intends to come out on top, and nothing from Earth or otherwise is going to take that from them.

—

Despite how he often comes off as someone who never listens, Benrey’s a lot more observant than he’ll show outwardly. 

It all comes from his job. Benrey probably didn’t need a job in the first place but he was curious. When on Earth, do as the humans do, right? It wasn’t even that hard to get- Tommy’s dad took one look at him and welcomed him on as a security guard. Game recognizes game, apparently.

Benrey would mess around with his job quite a bit but he learned some things from it. So while he isn’t always active in a conversation, Benrey keeps his eyes on his surroundings. Listening for soldiers radioing in or distant cries of a creature of Xen to let him know what comes next.

And sometimes, he’ll listen in on a conversation, even if he pretends he’s not.

Benrey tunes into the conversation for a minute before tuning back out. Gordon’s long winded rants were usually kinda funny but recently they’ve been getting… _Prickly_ to say the least. And that _is_ saying the very least.

But Benrey doesn’t try to protest it anymore. Maybe Gordon could get especially mean spirited when Benrey poked fun at him and _that_ was an overreaction but Benrey doesn’t blame him anymore. It’s justified now. He got Gordon’s fucking _arm_ cut off, and as far as he knows, humans don’t just grow back arms. Benrey can, Gordon cannot.

Benrey doesn’t even know why he did it anymore. It just felt so stupid. Bubby was pissed to hell and blamed Gordon for leading the soldiers right to them. Honestly, Bubby probably would’ve done something initially worse if Benrey didn’t insert himself as a buffer. Not because Bubby is cruel or anything but the guy doesn’t really know when to stop. Plus there was the fact that Bubby would’ve suggested something bad and been too stubborn to admit maybe it was a _touch too far_ and Benrey would’ve ended up with a bad result anyways.

So… Benrey had to suggest something. There were probably other ways of handling it better but Benrey didn’t think about how different humans are to him. This ‘Prank’ he suggested would’ve gotten him but no real damage would’ve been done and he could’ve shaken it off. Benrey didn’t think how Gordon- a human- would take it.

And he didn’t think the soldiers would cross the line.

Benrey blinks and he’s there again. Gordon is screaming, screaming, _screaming_ and god- Benrey can’t move. He doesn’t know what he’s saying- it’s all nonsense that blurs together. There’s blood- _Gordon’s blood-_ and a lot of it. So much of it. _Too much- are humans supposed to lose this much blood? They have limited blood, don’t they? Are they going to kill Gordon- **is Gordon going to die?**_

_(Benrey freezes in place while everyone else runs. The soldiers pay him no mind- they know him as the guy who sold him out after all. They shove him out of the way. Benrey can’t move. They drag Gordon, now without his right arm, out of the room. Benrey can’t move. They’re long gone and Benrey is alone with a pool of blood. Benrey can’t move._

_He fucked up. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Gordon wasn’t supposed to- the soldiers, they weren’t- Benrey, he can’t-..._

_It’s all fucked up now and Benrey can’t move. He doesn’t for a long time.)_

_“Benrey._ Are you- are you even fucking _listening_ to a word I’m saying?”

Gordon’s eyes bore into him. A wave of discomfort washes over him and Benrey can’t meet his eyes. “Whuh?” He mumbles. It’s the quickest way to tell Gordon ‘No’ but it earns a frustrated groan from him. 

“Of fucking _course not._ I don’t- I shouldn’t _care_ anymore. Go do whatever you want.” Gordon turns back and chooses to talk to Dr. Coomer instead. Tommy looks back and sends him a sympathetic look. 

He knows, of course. Benrey told him everything- why wouldn’t he tell his best bro? But Tommy looks at him and offers comfort and Benrey turns it away. He hasn’t taken him up on it since the betrayal. He doesn’t need comfort- Gordon does. Benrey just sold him out- he deserves the bite he gets for it.

Tommy’s gaze on him lasts a little bit longer but he nods in the end. Benrey lets out a soundless breath and listens for upcoming dangers.

Benrey stops dead in his tracks, heart beating out of his chest. Benrey isn’t the best guard but he knows enough to know that Black Mesa is never quiet. Scientists chattering, someone using the vending machine, recently it’s been more aliens and soldiers but even they make noise. 

And right now, Black Mesa is far too silent.

Which means everyone and everything nearby is holding their breaths. Which means they don’t want to be found. Which means either there’s going to be another ambush, _or there’s something far more dangerous than anything they’ve encountered and everything else is smart enough to hide from it._

Benrey draws his gun. He’s just fast enough to do so as a blur of something _big_ races around the corner, snarling.

Benrey is the fastest to the trigger, sending a few shots into its chest. He only manages to halt the creature before it makes eye contact with him and _lunges._ Benrey stumbles back but he isn’t quick enough.

It’s on him in an instant. Benrey’s back hits the ground and he hisses as the creature pins him there. One arm snakes out, gun in hand, but he only gives the creature a target to work with. Teeth clamp down on his arm, sinking into his skin and Benrey cries out.

White hot pain sears through him. It doesn’t last long- Dr. Coomer is quick to the punch, literally. A blow is delivered to the creature’s side and while it temporarily makes the creature’s teeth scrape against his arm, it finally lets go. Seconds later, it’s smashed through the wall and Bubby wastes no time setting it ablaze.

“B- Benrey!” Tommy is at his side in the blink of an eye. Benrey’s head spins but he still manages to give him a reassuring grin. He’s had worse, after all.

Tommy carefully takes his arm into his hands. Benrey feels a twig of pain but he bares it, watching as Tommy examines his newest injury. It hurts like hell but Benrey doesn’t let it show. 

“It’s gonna- gonna bleed a lot but you should be okay.” Tommy tells him after a minute. Benrey stifles a laugh.

“Yeah I know, I’m fine dude.” Benrey sits upright, wobbling as he does. “You shouldn’t worry so much.”

“You _are_ bleeding quite a bit!” Other than his arms in a fighting position, ready to take on more aliens that might jump out at them, Coomer seems to be fairly unphased by what happened. There’s mild concern in his eyes but almost everyone has caught onto Benrey’s inability to die. Bubby looks more annoyed that they’ve stopped more than anything and Gordon-

Gordon gives him a flat look. “We all know you’ll survive, Benrey. Let’s get going.”

A verbal cold shoulder if Benrey’s ever heard one. He suppressed a wince and instead rolled his shoulders and shrugs. “Ready when you are.” He agrees, keeping his tone flat. 

Tommy frowns. When Benrey tries to get up, he nearly tips over before Tommy grounds him again. It seems to be the deciding factor in a mental debate in Tommy’s head and he glances back at Gordon. “Mr. Freeman, I- I think we should patch this up before we do anything! I think I saw a- a medkit in the room we just passed.”

Benrey expects an immediate ‘No’ from Gordon. The hesitation surprises him.

Until Benrey remembers that Gordon’s view on Tommy has changed dramatically recently. Gordon now trusts Tommy more than ever- and for good reason. Tommy didn’t outright betray him and Tommy was there to help him when Gordon first lost his-

_Blood- so much blood- why does Gordon have so much blood- he’s not supposed to lose this much blood-_

Benrey shakes himself. He doesn’t want to think about it but the evidence of his great mistake is right in front of him. Benrey’s eyes bore into Gordon’s missing lower part of his arm. He doesn’t want to look at it but his eyes freeze in place. 

“...Fine.” Gordon agrees at last. “But as soon as you’re done wrapping it up, we’re moving. We clear? I want to get to the robotics department as soon as possible.” Gordon painfully seems to look anywhere but where his lack of an arm is. “I don’t want to remain helpless for much longer.”

Tommy gives a thankful smile. “R- roger that, Mr. Freeman!”

—

“You should really talk with Mr- Mr. Freeman.”

Tommy’s voice breaks him out of his own thoughts. Benrey blinks. “Huh?”

Tommy sighs. His movements are fluid, carefully but tightly wrapping up Benrey’s arm. It hurts less than Benrey was expecting- he’s even able to zone out. Tommy’s one hell of a medic, almost as good as his shot. He was even able to wrap up Gordon, which seemed to put him in a better mood than before.

“You should talk with him.” Tommy repeats. “He’s- he’s only going to get more mad the more you p- put it off.”

Benrey chuckles. He doesn’t know why- defense mechanism? Habit? Mix of both? Benrey can barely understand himself these days. “He already wants me dead.” Benrey says it like it’s a joke. It’s apparently not a very funny one as Tommy doesn’t come anywhere close to laughing- if anything, he looks more concerned than before. Benrey’s screwing it up already- _nice going. You can’t do anything right._

The voice insulting him in his head sounds suspiciously like Gordon. His self esteem drops- he’s long since reached rock bottom and has somehow dug himself even lower. _A new high score._ Had it been anything else, Benrey would’ve almost been half excited.

Benrey doesn’t realize he’s saying a particularly self-deprecating thought out loud until it’s already too late. Tommy stares, eyes wide and his arms freezing. Benrey swallows, laughing nervously. 

“B- Benrey, what did you- you just say?” Tommy stammers. 

“Nothing.” Benrey quickly attempts to brush it off. “You must be hearing things.”

“You just- Benrey, did you just say that it’s well _deserved?”_

His throat goes dry. Benrey laughs again but it’s sounding less and less real with each attempt. The silence is deafening and Benrey wants it gone. Silence gives him too many opportunities to _think,_ which is the one thing Benrey doesn’t want to do. He thinks too hard for too long and he knows he won’t like the result. Because recently, _all of this thoughts drift back to-_

“Maybe.” Benrey finally blurts out. Anything to stop his train of thought. He knows where it’s headed- _to a dark, dark room with too much blood, too much blood, too much blood-_ and he can’t stay there. Benrey can’t allow his head to roam anymore. It’s too risky. “Tommy, bro, it’s cool. I’m a _great_ cool.” 

He’s not convincing in the slightest. Tommy isn’t fooled for a second and Benrey doesn’t blame him. His attempt was half baked at best. He didn’t even believe it himself.

“Talk to him. For me? At- at _least_ tell him you’re sorry. He doesn’t know you- you regretted it.” Tommy presses and Benrey deflates. Whether or not Tommy agrees, Benrey does owe him at least a dozen favors. This one is a particularly large one but for Tommy? He can do it. He _has_ to do it.

Benrey almost wants to promise him but thinking about Gordon’s furious gaze on him again wavers his confidence. He settles for an, “I’ll try.” 

Tommy accepts the answer as it's the best he’s gonna get. He finishes the wrapping and gives a small but warm smile that unravels one of the many knots in Benrey’s chest. “Thank you.” Tommy tells him. Benrey doesn’t know why he’s thanking him- if anything it should be the other way around- but he nods anyways. 

Tommy gets up to tell Gordon they’re ready to keep moving. It takes Benrey a little longer but eventually he pushes himself to his feet.

His head spins and he’s off balance, nearly falling right back down. It doesn’t last long however and Benrey shakes himself, playing it off as blood loss. Nobody else saw anyways, no need to make a big deal out of it.

(Benrey doesn’t feel Xen’s newest weapon in his veins. It’s just entered his system and works to destroy. Benrey’s biology is ever shifting and changing but Xen is nothing if not persistent and precise).

—

When Benrey starts feeling abnormally hot, he plays it off for the fact that they’re outside. The sun beats down on them and they _are_ in New Mexico. It’s not unheard of to get sweaty in these conditions, even if it usually doesn’t affect him.

Benrey ignores it, focusing instead on following the rest of the team and making sure he doesn’t fall behind. It’s been harder to focus lately and it hasn’t been doing any favors for him. Gordon’s distant at best and Benrey doesn’t trust himself to make an apology in this state. Not to mention, the few times Benrey _does_ have coherent thoughts, they’re of things he doesn’t want to think about.

Benrey can’t get it out of his head. Gordon is screaming, screaming, screaming and Benrey does nothing. He caused it. _He could’ve killed him._

Benrey doesn’t notice the grenade that’s been dropped near his feet. The rest of the Science Team scramble away upon seeing it but Benrey bumps his foot with it, looks down, and he’s gone.

Dying isn’t as quick as he would like it to be. Benrey sticks around long enough to see Gordon stare in shock before groaning when he remembers that Benrey can’t really die.

It hurts but it’s fair. And he’s right, after all. Benrey doesn’t stay dead.

Energy buzzed to life inside of him and Benrey reappears by Gordon’s side as they move on, alive and well again. Gordon gives him a narrowed look before marching forward.

A wave of exhaustion makes Benrey stumble. Has he been running low on energy? After effects of resurrection don’t usually happen unless he is. He’ll need to get some sleep soon.

As soon as Gordon announces they need to take a break, Benrey makes a beeline for the closest spot next to the air conditioning and sits there. His eyelids flutter and voices around him go muffled. Benrey slips into a dreamless sleep without even realizing it.

When he awakens, it’s dark and everyone else around him has curled up and gone to sleep. Benrey shifts, wanting to get up but his body aches. Despite being right in the air conditioner’s line of sight and feeling the cool air against his skin, Benrey’s uncomfortably warm, beads of sweat form on his forehead. 

Benrey wipes it away with a trembling hand. He doesn’t know what’s coming over him but sleeping did nothing to help. The fact that his energy didn’t regenerate is more than a little bothersome.

His mouth opens as he looks up at the rest of the team but words die in his throat. Each of them sleeps soundly and Benrey can’t bring himself to make a bigger deal out of it.

He’ll shake it off anyways. He always does.

(He won’t, but Benrey doesn’t know that. Xen however, does. Xen can feel it- power being sucked away, bit by bit. They relish in it. All of Xen awaits the moment it’s all gone. That is when Xen will strike. That’s when Xen will rid the human known as Gordon Freeman of his guard dog once and for all, before striking him too.)

—

Benrey lags behind more than he would like on the road to the cybernetics department. Steps get heavier, resting does nothing- Benrey seems to be getting drained but he doesn’t understand why. 

When they arrive at where the cybernetics department should be, they’re greeted by the mixology department instead. Darnold however, still has a solution to Gordon’s lack of a hand.

A gun-arm. Benrey admits, it’s pretty sick. Not to mention Gordon getting anything at all almost makes him feel better. Almost.

Darnold instructs Gordon on how to use it, _“Try making a fist!”_ And Benrey watches as the gun-arm whirls to life and shoots. Gordon’s jaw drops when it does.

With his job done Darnold leaves with the help of his rocket boots. Benrey makes a joke about wanting to go with him because Gordon keeps killing people. Gordon doesn’t like the joke. He shoots a few rounds into Benrey’s head and keeps moving toward forward, not looking back.

Benrey waits until he’s gone to finally stumble. His body works to repair the damage done but Benrey’s legs nearly give out in the process. There’s a sharp pain in his arm that he doesn’t understand. It’s the same side where Tommy wrapped him up- his injury should’ve healed by now, is he still feeling it?

Benrey pulls up his sleeve and unwraps his arm. He half expects there to be blood and scars but to his surprise, there isn’t. The injury it’s is gone, but in its place is something far more horrifying.

His veins in his arm are bright white and sickly. Even worse but the veins go all the way up his arm. Benrey wraps it back up, still trembling. The very sight of it chills him to his bones and all at once, it makes sense.

Benrey doesn’t know how but there’s no way this new development and his recent weakness aren’t linked. Benrey’s been running on fumes and soon enough, he won’t have anything left, assuming he has anything left at all.

Benrey losing energy means he won’t be able to use his powers. Powers like resurrection and regeneration. _Meaning if Benrey dies, he will stay dead for once._

Benrey’s never had to think about death before- not like this. For once in his life, he knows the true fear of the permanency of death, and Benrey doesn’t know how to deal with it.

So Benrey does what he does best and doesn’t. He moves to catch up with the others and firmly refuses to tell them anything.

—

Benrey is aware that he might die now and it piles onto his list of problems. Focusing is becoming harder and harder and despite knowing why, Benrey can do nothing to stop it.

One part of Benrey keeps wondering if he’s overreacting. Sure, he seems to be going into a fever induced state as life gets sucked out of him but Benrey’s never been able to die before. He’ll probably just shake it off and be good as new in no time.

The second part of Benrey knows that the first part is a beautiful lie he tells himself to make up for the lack of control he has. He’s dying, plain and simple, and if he doesn’t do something soon, he’ll run out of rope and death will finally catch up with him.

It’s not a pretty thought. His throat feels like it’s swelling up and he can’t speak. It’s a damn good excuse for not speaking up about it but not a perfect one.

Benrey doesn’t notice the tunnels through Black Mesa are shaking until everyone starts shouting at once. Even then, their words blend together and Benrey blinks, unsure of what’s going on. A chunk of the ceiling falls, narrowly missing him, and Benrey finally understands and has enough sense to start running. 

His sight is hazy but Benrey presses on. He has to- he has all too good of an idea of what’ll happen if he gets caught in the cave in. 

Benrey can see the exit. Tommy, Dr. Coomer, and Bubby all wait for him and Gordon to catch up. He’s so close- _just a little longer-_

A hand yanks him back by the back of his security vest abruptly. Benrey doesn’t know why until a good sized chunk of the ceiling drops right where he would’ve been. Benrey glances back at his savior and gawks when his eyes land on Gordon. 

Gordon finally lets go of the back of his vest but doesn’t look in Benrey’s direction. His eyes are focused and his teeth grit. Benrey doesn’t know why until he sees that the previous exit is now out of reach and blocked off. 

Benrey doesn’t notice Gordon is on the move for a side door that leads elsewhere until Gordon grabs his arm and yanks him. 

“This is the _worst_ time not to listen to me!” Gordon hisses. “We gotta get out of here _now.”_

Benrey wordlessly keeps up with Gordon as best as he can. His mind spins with one thought and one thought only.

_Why didn’t he let me get crushed?_

—

Gordon only stops and lets go of him as soon as they’re out of danger. Benrey has no clue where in Black Mesa they are and he doesn’t care. 

The hall they’ve ended up is silent with distant cries of headcrabs. Benrey sighs in relief and leans up against one of the main crates that fill the room. It’s a miracle and a half he’s still standing but the last thing he wants to do is show weakness. 

It’s still stuck in his head. Gordon yanking him out of harm’s way. It doesn’t make sense in the slightest. 

“Why’d you do that?” Benrey mumbles. His voice isn’t nearly as loud as he’d like it to be. 

Gordon hasn’t moved his feet since he stopped but does glance over at Benrey. His hands run through his hair, a nervous habit if Benrey’s ever seen one, and he’s tense in every sense of the word. His eyebrows raise at Benrey. “Do what?”

“Did uh… You gave me a lil safety yank.” Benrey fumbles for words and settles with making motions from his hands. Gordon takes a minute to catch on. 

“Oh.” Gordon squints like he’s deep in thought. It occurs to Benrey that he actually doesn’t have an answer when he groans, arms crossing. “Instinct, I guess. Got stressed and let my gut guide me. Does- does it really _matter?_ You can’t die anyways.”

Benrey has nothing to say to that. Well, that’s a lie but he has nothing he _wants_ to say. “Cool.” He nods like he’s forgotten about it already and not focusing on it more than ever like he actually is. Did that mean something? And was that a good thing or a bad thing? Benrey hasn’t the slightest clue. 

Everything’s getting foggy. Physically, Benrey wants to sleep but fear keeps him up with the mortifying thought that he won’t wake back up if he does.

“We should get moving.” Gordon decides at last. His eyes fixate on the path ahead of them with a burning determination. It occurs to Benrey that out of everyone, Gordon’s the most vulnerable. Everyone else doesn’t die as easily as him- he’s 100% human, through and through. Getting out of Black Mesa means more to him than anyone else because with the military and Xen hunting him, as well as constant struggles like having to avoid radioactive elements of Black Mesa and collapsing tunnels, Gordon has a lot on his plate.

Gordon’s been through one too many near death experiences, of course he’s itching to get out.

_You were the cause of one of those experiences._

“Benrey.” Gordon’s firm tone snaps him into focus. He gestures with his arm to follow him. “Come on. The sooner we keep moving, the sooner we reunite with everybody else.”

Benrey nods, although hesitant. There’s no getting out of this, Gordon’s right, they need to get going. The longer they stay, the more likely it is that something unpleasant will catch up with them. He’ll just have to grin and bear it.

—

Benrey wishes he was a better actor. 

Gordon is noticing his weakness. Benrey’s words start to slur together, his head constantly feels like it’s underwater and he’s losing his grip. Gordon attempts to get his opinion on something and Benrey just laughs. He doesn’t know why he’s laughing, he really doesn’t. 

There’s an underlying fear in him that he can’t avoid. The fear of a permanent death. Benrey can’t deny it any longer- he can feel it in his veins. The creatures of Xen don’t attack, only watching from the shadows. They feel it too- Benrey’s slipping. It’s only a matter of time before he falls.

Gordon stops abruptly. Benrey nearly barrels into him and stops just before he can. He almost falls over right then and there but just barely plants his feet back down.

Gordon’s eyes bore into him. He looks a little too closely at Benrey’s current state and it makes him sweat. 

“That’s it.” Gordon narrows his eyes. Benrey has no idea what he’s going to do or say but he doesn’t expect what comes next. “Sit down. You’re in no shape to be walking.”

Benrey blinks but he doesn’t argue. He must look as bad as he feels if Gordon is speaking up. He finds the nearest wall to slump against and catches his breath. Gordon lingers nearby, watching him carefully- warily even. Benrey doesn’t realize why until Gordon speaks his mind.

“You’re acting strange. What’s _up_ with you?” Gordon says flatly. Something about his voice becomes guarded when he continues. “What, planning on cutting off my other arm?”

The laugh that leaves Benrey doesn’t sound quite right. It’s far too hysterical. “Heh, yeah. Your- your arm just… Just _popped_ off and… And there was- there was all that _blood._ So… _So much blood…_ You- you sure got a lot of- got a lot of blood, that’s for sure… Gor-... Gordon Freeman… F... _Feetman- HA!_ Do you- do you get it? Like- like _Freeman_ but you- you got _feet._ Feetman!”

Benrey must be imagining it but something about his words becomes concerning by the look on Gordon’s face. His eyes dart to Benrey’s arm and the second he does, Benrey knows he’s been caught.

“Hold out your arm, I want to check it.”

There’s no use in resisting. Benrey couldn’t win in a fight, even if he wanted to. He obeys the instruction, and for some odd reason, he keeps laughing. Nothing about this is funny but Benrey can’t stop. 

“Wow uh, you _care_ about me or something, Feetman?” Benrey comments when Gordon kneels down beside him. He gets an eye roll in response.

“We’re not discussing this. Tommy gets sad when you get hurt, I’m doing this for him.” Gordon mumbles, gingerly taking Benrey’s arm. He pulls up his sleeve and begins to unwrap the bandages. 

“So you _do_ care?” Benrey presses. He doesn’t know why he does. He clings desperately for an answer- whether or not Gordon would rather him be dead or not.

Benrey gets his answer pretty quickly. Gordon scoffs at him. “Believe me, it would be a lot easier to put a _bullet_ in your head than to do this.” It’s under his breath but it’s loud enough for Benrey to hear.

Benrey tries hard not to flinch. He still does but Gordon doesn’t seem to notice.

“You- _cringe baby Feetman._ L… Lame threats… I could- I could do better.” Benrey’s voice falters. He fumbles for words even though he’s quickly losing them. He doesn’t want silence but he’s losing ground.

“Can you _please_ shut up while I-...” Gordon freezes suddenly. His gaze doesn’t waver as he stares down at what was underneath the bandages. No wound of any sort, but sickly, white veins that take him a minute to recover from seeing. Gordon looks up at him like he’s just now noticing how Benrey is sweating. “What… _What is that?”_

“I dunno. But uh.” Benrey tries to laugh again. It falls short and Benrey swallows thickly. He can’t avoid it any longer, no matter how much he wants to. “I’m… I’m gonna _die,_ Feetman.”

Gordon’s face twists at that. Benrey knows he doesn’t believe him before he even says anything. “No, you’re not.”

“I- I _am.”_

“Even if you do, you’ll just come back.” Gordon points out. He crosses his arms, staring down at his gun-arm. “You always do.”

“...Not this- not this time. I-...” Exhaustion threatens to overtake Benrey but he powers through it. He needs to get it off his chest, even if that means putting himself in danger. “I- I got _powers,_ right? ‘M not human so I- I got all these cool powers- I’m so cool- a _great_ cool, right, Feetman?” He shakes his head, feeling himself drifting and focusing again. “But uh, not feeling so… So cool right now. I haven’t been- haven’t been feeling the juice. The- the _gamer_ juice.”

Benrey laughs again at his own joke. The more he does, the louder and more _hysterical_ he gets. Gordon stares at him with wide eyes but an otherwise unreadable expression. “Gamers- gamers _always_ respawn, y’know? But I’m- I’m not feeling so _gamer_ right now…”

“Benrey… Are you telling me you’re…” Gordon pauses briefly. “You’re gonna die for _real?”_

Benrey doesn’t want to say yes but he can’t stand the silence- _anything to stop the silence._ Gears begin to turn in his head and Benrey arrives at a conclusion he doesn’t want to think about. He does anyways.

“May-maybeee… Probably… Yeah I- I don’t know how to uh... To put the stop on the hurty juice. So neither- neither does anyone else… But uh- hey! You can- you can make good on that uh, that thing you wanted to do, right?”

Gordon’s eyebrows knitted together. “What thing?” 

Gordon genuinely doesn’t know. Maybe Benrey should let it go but… If he’s going to die _anyways,_ well…

Benrey puts on the best smile he can manage. It comes out lopsided and wrong. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how _scared_ he is. “Putting… Putting one of those bullets in my head.”

Gordon stills. Benrey can’t read his eyes- he can’t tell if it’s because he doesn’t feel good or not but either way, it terrifies him. Gordon doesn’t respond for a long time- every second he doesn’t is agonizing to Benrey. But in the end, he manages to say one word.

“...Benrey?” It’s one word but Benrey knows there’s dozens of questions underneath it. Benrey pushes forward- he dug himself this hole and he’s going deeper.

Benrey has been slipping for days and now, he begins to fall. 

“It’ll stick this time, cross my uh… Well, m-my version of a heart- s’all different inside. It… It’ll be so _easy,_ Feetman. Look how easy it is!”

His arms shake in protest but Benrey grabs Gordon’s gun-arm and directs it to his forehead. Benrey presses it there, feeling his adrenaline spike but he keeps going. “...See? God, cringe b- baby Feetman can’t even- even figure out how to shoot a guy after all this time? Do I gotta shoot back or what?”

Gordon doesn’t move a muscle. “Benrey, I-...” He trails off. He takes too long to speak and Benrey loses his grip, assuming he ever had it at all.

“Why- why you _hesitating?_ C’mon… We both know this- this is what you _wanted,_ right? I’m just-!” Benrey breaks off into a laugh that goes on for too long. It starts to sound more like a sob. “I’m a- a _problem_ you gotta deal with, right? But you would _never_ have to deal with me again after this… Just a few shots- I’ll barely feel a thing and… And if you want me to _hurt_ longer then just shoot me somewhere else and uh- and _leave._ So… So easy, right? I already- already _gave you_ ideas. Just _do it_ already.”

Gordon doesn’t say a word. He’s frozen in place. Benrey doesn’t understand it.

“...Bro. C’mon. Don’t- don’t leave a guy _hanging.”_ Benrey is quaking _violently._ He’s not just on the verge of a breakdown, he’s _having_ one and they both know it. “This some- some kinda mindfuckery shit? Gonna- gonna draw it out? Savor it? Or did- did baby Feetman forget how to shoot his- his gun-arm? Potions Master said make a- a _fist_ right? That’s it, that’s… That’s all you have to do and I’ll be gone from your life forever… _Make a fist, Gordon. That’s all you have to do.”_

The last bits come out a whisper. If Gordon wasn’t right next to him, he would’ve never have heard it. Benrey squeezes his eyes shut, shuddering as he presses his head further into the gun and bracing himself.

He braces for something that never comes. Gordon is still for far too long, and when he finally does move, he lowers the gun. Benrey’s head remains bowed, breathing still just as irregular as it was before. Like he’s still expecting an attack.

 _“Gor…_ Feetman, you uh… You gonna go with the long, painful death or…” 

Gordon hesitates. Then abruptly, he wraps Benrey in his arms.

A breath catches in Benrey’s throat. He still trembles like a leaf in his arms, causing Gordon to tighten his hold.

“Wha… What are you doing..?” His voice is small and fragile. Everything about him feels so breakable- like glass.

“Called a hug.” Gordon says at last. His voice is softer than Benrey was expecting. 

Benrey swallows thickly. “Is… Is it a goodbye hug?”

Gordon closes his eyes. _“No...”_ His voice is barely audible but it’s just loud enough for Benrey to hear. For a moment, Benrey is deadly still. Then a whimper leaves him and he buries his face into Gordon’s shoulder.

Benrey’s attempts at speaking all come out as sobs. Gordon’s grip on him is tight but Benrey takes comfort in it. A quiet string of blubbering leaves Benrey, it’s a mix of various curses, ‘Thank you’s and ‘I’m sorry’s. 

Gordon’s head rests against Benrey as Benrey attempts to speak. Eventually, he gives it up and settles for focusing on the fact that he’s being held. 

It sounds like a dream. A fever dream that Benrey wants to happen- but it’s _real._ Gordon’s tough is proof enough of that and Benrey… Benrey has no idea how to deal with it.

Gordon doesn’t hate him. He has every right to kill him and instead, Gordon holds him and softly tells him it’s going to be alright. His voice cracks when he does- Benrey doesn’t get why until he considers something seemingly impossible but perhaps just as true.

Benrey needed this hug and perhaps Gordon does too, maybe just as badly. It should be impossible but… Here they are. 

They don’t move for a long time.

Today, Benrey finally fell, and to his surprise, Gordon caught him.

—

The more time that passes, the more Gordon finds himself carrying Benrey. It’s only a matter of him before he’s holding him in his arms while trying to make his way to the Lambda Lab.

Gordon has felt helpless before- he lost his arm for a while there and never felt so vulnerable in his life. There was a deep seeded fear that anything could kill him and he could do nothing. And seeing Benrey again after that only reminded him of the dark room he was lured into before it all happened.

He took a lot of it out on Benrey- he won’t deny that. Gordon was angry and scared and _hurt_ beyond relief. Because Benrey could annoy and confuse him but Gordon thought they were friends. Because Benrey could make him laugh and had a nice voice too. He thought they were going to stick together- make it out together. He thought he could count on him and when the soldiers jumped him, all of that drained away.

Then Gordon was convinced Benrey didn’t care about him. That he was more than willing to leave him to die because that's exactly what he did. It hurt that Benrey didn’t care, it hurt that Gordon would catch himself caring about him, it hurt that Gordon couldn’t leave him behind despite _everything_ he did. 

Benrey didn’t care about him. He wanted him dead. So Gordon treated him a bit like a punching bag in return. It didn’t feel good by any means but Gordon needed to release his emotions and Benrey was an easy target. It would have to do. That’s how it was until new information came to light and changed everything.

_Benrey is shaking and talking circles around Gordon- talking fast and with raw emotion that makes his head spin. Gordon is deciphering it as he goes but… It doesn’t make sense. Because by the sounds of it, Benrey feels guilt and he’s offering Gordon a chance to kill him for good. Benrey quite literally puts Gordon’s gun against his head and tells him to shoot._

_Gordon searches for an explanation. A trick or a test or something to make sense of it. But there’s no explaining this for anything other than the truth: Benrey cares about what he thinks and he’s sorry for what happened. Didn’t mean for it to happen that way by the sounds of it._

_Benrey’s willing to die to make up for it._

_Gordon lowers his arm. Benrey looks at him like he didn't expect mercy and Gordon doesn’t try to stop himself from pulling him in for a hug._

Fuck. Gordon’s still wrapping his head around that.

Some part of Gordon might’ve wanted him dead for a moment when he first woke up but it didn’t last for very long. Gordon’s very instincts were to keep Benrey alive even after everything. Thinking about Benrey dying in the first place just made him sick. It seems so _wrong-_ Benrey doesn’t stay dead ever and losing him permanently?

Gordon doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to see him get hurt and he doesn’t want to leave him behind. Gordon was pissed over being betrayed but he has his lines he will never cross. 

Gordon didn’t feel good about anything until Benrey finally told him he was sorry. All that bitterness left him and when Gordon embraced him, he knew peace. Because _that_ felt good. Petty ‘Revenge’ never did anything for him, but holding onto Benrey did.

So Gordon held on tight to Benrey and didn’t let go. Not just for Benrey’s sake but his own, because maybe he needed that as much as Benrey did. Maybe it felt good to finally let everything go and have Benrey in his arms.

Odd, but not unwelcome. 

It’s been less than 24 hours since that happened. To Gordon, it feels like it’s been less. He stays up and keeps watch as Benrey rests. His breath is abnormally shallow and it worries Gordon.

Gordon sighs and rests his head against the wall behind him. He doesn’t get much time to rest however, everything goes gray in a flash.

Gordon jolts, searching through room for color but finds none other than himself and Benrey. Nothing makes sense- what is going _on?-_ and Gordon has half a mind to wake Benrey up and start running.

From around the hall, a man in a suit steps out. One with an angular face that kinda reminds Gordon of Tommy, a chilling aura around him, and glowing blue eyes. _Color. He has it too._

Despite the fact that he holds no weapon, Gordon still raises his. He can’t take any chances- his life _and_ Benrey’s depend on him now. If this man is a threat, Gordon needs to be ready.

The man in the suit chuckles at him. “There will be no need for that, Mr. Freeman.”

So the man in the suit knows his name. Fantastic. Gordon holds a steady gaze. “Who are you?”

“It doesn’t matter the specifics of who I am, Mr. Freeman.” He steps closer, causing Gordon to tense up. “But think of me as… A friend of a friend.”

He’s been far too cryptic for Gordon’s liking, especially when Gordon doesn’t have the patience to deal with it. “Get to the point. What- what do you _want?_ What did you _do?”_

“I simply pressed ‘Pause’ on things. You have no need to be alarmed, Mr. Freeman. I came to address the metaphorical _elephant_ in the room.”

Gordon doesn’t know what he means until he waves an arm towards Benrey’s sleeping form. Gordon swallows hard, desperately hoping that this conversation won’t go in the direction he thinks it will. 

“It’s… Ben-rey, correct?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Xen has grown quite _angry_ with him. I’m afraid that he is suffering from… A poison that will destroy him from the inside. It’s doing so as we speak.”

Gordon grits his teeth. _Dammit._ He didn’t even beat around the bush. “I- I _know_ that already.”

“If this carries on for too long… He will die, Mr. Freeman.”

 _“I know!”_ Gordon’s voice booms louder than he intends. It leaves him shaking and feeling like a child while the man he speaks to remains as calm and collected as ever. He hates it. Gordon just got his friend back and now he’s _losing_ him. “Just… What’s your point?” Gordon breathes.

“Neither of us want that. It is in my best interests to keep Ben-rey alive, as is yours.” He pauses. “And I have… A vast knowledge of Xen. I know of a way to heal him.”

Gordon’s breath gets caught in his throat. “What?” He blurts out in disbelief.

He nods. “There are certain… 'Healing Pools' on Xen. They can cure just about anything, and considering this sickness was born from Xen, it only makes sense that the cure spawns from it as well.”

Hope. Bright shining hope is placed in front of Gordon and he scrambles to grasp it. “You- you’re _certain_ this will work? 100%?”

“Mm… It is closer to 83%.”

A laugh echoing pure relief leaves Gordon. “Better than anything else I have. Which- which is nothing…” Gordon thinks about the plan and frowns. “How would I even _get_ to Xen?”

“That has already been taken care of.” The man says smoothly. “You’re already on your way to the Lambda Lab, correct?” Gordon nods breathlessly. “They are waiting for you and your team. They’ve been watching you from afar, Mr. Freeman, and they believe you can solve a problem for them. Defeating the most powerful being in Xen, the Nihilanth.”

 _Most powerful being in Xen?_ Gordon sputters. “Is- is that possible? To kill it?”

The man chuckles like it’s exceedingly obvious what the answer is. “With your little… Science Team? I have no doubt. Head to the Lambda Lab, collect the water from Xen’s healing pools, defeat the Nihilanth, and save your friend, Mr. Freeman. This is what you need to do.”

It’s a short list but they’re all big things. Gordon swallows. “Is that all?”

His lips press into a thin smile. “Goodbye, Mr. Freeman. Until we meet again.”

The man in the suit is gone just as quickly as he came. Gordon doesn’t have time to think of it too hard- he has bigger things to worry about.

Gordon’s going to save Benrey or- actually, no. There is no ‘Or’ in this situation. Gordon is going to save Benrey. He doesn’t have any other choices.

—

Benrey’s eyes are half lidded and saying he looks half dead is an understatement. He looks like he’s on the brink and the only thing that’s keep death’s cold, unforgiving grip away from him is Gordon himself. So Gordon doesn’t let go.

The Lambda Lab shouldn’t be too far now. Gordon quickens his pace but stops when he hears voices. He takes cover, putting Benrey down and crouching, ready for an attack. Whoever comes around that corner, he’ll be ready for.

Shadows approach, Gordon holds his arm steady and sends a warning shot when they come into view. Only then does he realize who they are.

“Dr. Coomer?”

Coomer is startled by the bullet but it goes away in an instant when he sees Gordon again. A wide grin stretches across his face. 

“Hello, Gordon! Good to see you made it!”

“Did you say _Gordon?”_

Bubby and Tommy aren’t too far behind, poking their head around and gaping at Gordon when they see him. A golden retriever is with them as well- Gordon has no idea where they got one in _Black Mesa_ but he doesn’t care. Instead, he rises to his feet, laughing in relief and already opening his arms before Coomer hugs him close. Knots of stress loosen up but Gordon can’t forget about Benrey enough to completely let them go. 

When Coomer pulls away, Gordon gestures to him. Benrey’s no longer conscience and his breathing is shallow but he’s still _breathing_ so that counts for something. “He needs help- they’ve got to have doctors or- or medical equipment in the Lambda Lab, right?”

Without being told, Coomer scoops up Benrey off the ground, bouncing on his heels. “Of course! They’re the most prepared for these types of situations.”

“They’d be complete dumbasses if they didn’t. _Dead_ dumbasses.” Bubby adds. Despite his snippy tone, Gordon knows relief when he sees it. He’s just as happy to see Gordon made it out as the rest of them.

“Even- even if they don’t have doctors, I can do what I can!” Tommy says quickly. His eyes don’t leave Benrey, badly wanting to reach out but he doesn’t. “...What happened to- to him?”

“Some kind of poison has been getting to him. I think it was since he got bitten by that creature? I don’t know, but Xen is the cause.” Gordon tells them. The group makes their way forward, trying to press on and find the lab. “All I know is that we don’t have the equipment to help him and I’d rather not sit here and watch him fade. Whatever’s in him is draining him. I don’t know how but it is.”

Collectively, the three of them grimace. The dog following them seems to understand the mood and lets out a low whine. Gordon glances at the dog. “Should I even ask or..?”

Tommy follows his gaze and looks more than happy to explain. “Oh! That’s my dog, Sunkist!”

 _Sunkist._ Gordon knows that name and once he links it, his jaw drops. “The- the immortal one you _made?”_ Tommy confirms it with a nod and Gordon stares at her. Sunkist barks, walking up next to him and leaning into his hand when he pets her. “How… What _happened_ to you three- four?” He corrects himself, glancing down at Sunkist.

“Oh uh…” Tommy trails off, scratching the back of his head.

“The usual shit.” Bubby answers for him. “Ran into that one boot boy, wiped out the military, fought aliens- it all blurs together. If you really want to know, just as Harold when this is all over and we’ve won.”

Something about Bubby’s words make him laugh. “You’re that certain we’ll win?”

Bubby gives a sharp grin. “You really think _I’ll_ let us lose?”

Gordon can’t argue with that.

The group doesn’t say much for the rest of the trip, however short it was. As soon as they’re through the doors and into the lab, the first words out of Gordon’s mouth are, “We need a Doctor!”

The Lambda Lab luckily works fast to Gordon’s liking. They’re quick to get a stretcher and a doctor, but they’re just as quick to take Benrey away. Gordon watches helplessly as they bring him to the medical ward. He knows it’s for the best but god, Gordon’s anxiety doesn’t do him any favors. 

Gordon hangs around as he waits for the doctor to report back. He feels too much like a sad dog for his liking and the only thing that helps is when the rest of the Science Team keeps him company and grounded. Gordon isn’t losing himself now, nor will he ever. Gordon’s got friends who rely on him and he still wants to get out of Black Mesa. He’s got to hold on.

When the doctor finally steps out, Gordon is right on their heels. “How is he?”

The doctor hesitates, which can’t be a good sign. 

“He’s very sickly. We’ve identified the poison in his veins to be of Xen origin. We’re giving him all we have available to keep him alive but… No Earthly cure will get rid of it, that much is certain.”

“What about something from _Xen?”_

The question takes everyone else by surprise. Gordon searches the doctor’s eyes for an answer, but the first person who speaks up is Dr. Coomer. 

“Gordon?” He asks carefully.

“Answer the question.” Gordon keeps his voice steady. “Xen has 'Healing Pools', right? Could that do something for him?”

The doctor blinks. “That… That’s actually a good idea… I- I don’t know for sure but I can tell you that it has a better chance than anything else we have.”

“Gordon, how do you know that Xen has ‘Healing pools’ as you put it?” Coomer presses. 

Gordon doesn’t know what to say. He just shakes his head. “It’s a long story but… I got advice and it’s the best thing I got to go on.” Out of the corner of his eyes, a scientist approaches and Gordon beats them to the punch, stepping forward. “You want us to go to Xen.”

The scientist blinks but nods. “Good. I’ll take out this- this alien god or whatever you want me to do. I need to go there anyway. I can’t speak for my friends-!”

“Of _course_ we’re coming with.” Coomer joins his side in an instant, giving a firm nod to the scientist, who’s looking more than a little confused. His gaze instead moves to Gordon again. “We want to help you- and Benrey as well!- but Gordon, are you _sure_ about this?”

Gordon can’t say with certainty that he is. But Benrey needs help and Gordon has run out of ideas. “It’s the best chance we have to save Benrey.” Gordon explains. “I need you to trust me on this.”

Coomer doesn’t hesitate. That’s one of the things Gordon’s always admired by him. Coomer runs heart first into everything he does and brings a passion that burns bright enough to light the way. 

The thought of going to Xen and fighting this- what did the man call it? Nihilanth?- it terrifies him, even if it is needed to save Benrey. But Coomer makes it look a little less impossible.

“I trust you, Gordon.” Coomer says, and Bubby and Tommy both give varying levels of enthusiasm in their agreements, but they’re agreements nonetheless.

Gordon turns his gaze to the scientist. It occurs to him that the man in the suit implied that Black Mesa intended to get him to go to Xen and do this in the first place. Typical of them, but Gordon has no time to roll his eyes at the hellscape that is his place of employment. 

Instead, Gordon narrows his eyes on the path ahead of them. “Take us to Xen.” He tells the scientist. The Scientist nods and leads the way.

—

...So the human known as Gordon Freeman makes his way to Xen anyways. This is fine, Xen decides, because Xen will deal with him either way. The human known as Gordon Freeman will not survive if Xen has anything to say about it.

And Xen has a lot to say. A hivemind is never quiet. 

The downfall of the entity known as Benrey has been a success. Whether or not he dies from the poison alone doesn’t matter as much to Xen, because the human known as Gordon Freeman now has to travel without him. The entity known as Benrey can no longer protect him, and Xen will profit off of this.

Once the human known as Gordon Freeman and his little group of funny, little, almost-humans are gone, nothing will stop Xen from doing what Xen does best.

Expand, grow, repopulate. Over and over again until Xen is satisfied.

(Xen will never be satisfied.)

—

The second Gordon arrives on Xen, he decides that once this is over, he’s never leaving Earth again. Compared to Earth, Xen is absolutely horrifying. 

Something about the entire planet makes him shiver. The aliens, the atmosphere, the fact that very ground beneath his feet feels like _flesh._ Gordon’s never been anywhere but Earth and being somewhere else feels like he has an itch he can’t scratch. A mild discomfort that isn’t going to leave until he leaves Xen behind for good.

But Gordon has work to do. As soon as everyone is out of the portal, which includes Sunkist, a choice that Gordon almost argued about until he remembered she’s immortal, Gordon takes a deep breath. He swallows his fear. makes a running jump for one of the other floating islands.

That part is almost fun. Gordon almost feels like some sort of twisted superhero, jumping from island and island and looking for clues on his two distinct missions. Gordon sees no signs of a ‘Healing Pool’ nor this great, big, bad alien of Xen, which makes him mildly more anxious than he already was.

Gordon does however find some sort of teleporter that takes him deeper into Xen. He sends a look to the rest of the Science Team before he jumps in it. They’re quick to follow.

It doesn’t take Gordon too long to find what has to be the ‘Healing Pool’. There’s lakes in Xen filled with a glistening blue-green water. Walking through them alone causes all of his open wounds to close up. Gordon wastes no time taking out a vile and filling it up with the water as soon as he discovers what it does. 

It feels like a lifeline. Gordon’s got the one thing that could save Benrey in his possession and if he slips up, it’s all over. So no matter what, Gordon _has_ to make it off Xen. 

He tucks it away safely. One down, one to go.

Gordon doesn’t hesitate on the next portal he comes across, he just jumps in and goes deeper and deeper into Xen where thousands of eyes watch him at once. 

—

This ‘Alien God’ is pretty much exactly what Gordon expected, which is to say, absolutely horrifying and looks like a giant, twisted fetus.

_“Harold Coomer, Tommy Coolatta, Bubby, and Gordon Freeman, correct?”_

It- the Nihilanth- speaks like it has a dozen voices at once _and_ it knows their names. Of course it does. Gordon doesn’t know what he expected. 

“Can we skip the villain monologue?” Bubby narrows his eyes on the creature. His arms are aflame already and there’s no doubt in Gordon’s mind that he’s not going to show any mercy. Gordon couldn’t ask for a better person to have on his side. “I don’t care about anything you have to say.”

 _“Harsh words from a prototype.”_ Bubby stiffens but if anything, his flames burn brighter, raring to go. _“We, the creatures of Xen, simply wish to congratulate you on getting this far. But-”_

“Our- our journey ends here?” Tommy guesses. Gordon tries and fails not to laugh. “I’ve played a- a lot of video games and this… This is a pretty basic monologue.”

“Gordon, do we have to listen to this whole thing? I’d much rather get on with the fight!” Dr. Coomer adds. He looks almost bigger than usual, Gordon doesn’t understand it but if it’s going to help him fight, he won’t question it too much.

“You’re not alone.” Gordon mumbles.

The Nihilanth seems to frown, clearly annoyed with them. Then, something sparks in its eye and it’s gone. _“Eager to go home? Eager to save your little pet?”_ It waits until Gordon understands what it’s talking about. Until Gordon realizes he means _Benrey._

“He’s not a pet.” Gordon’s eyes darken.

 _“I would beg to differ. The way he follows you around, so desperate for your attention, all too willing to die if it would make you happy… It’s almost exactly like one of your Earth guard dogs, is it not?”_ It laughs and a thousand laughs echo with it. All of Xen laughs and Gordon can _hear_ it. The others must be able to as well because their heads all turn, searching for the source, or rather, sources.

_“It was only a matter of time before he had to be put down. And if you won’t do it, we will.”_

Gordon’s gun-arm snaps to attention. It stays trained on the creature several sizes bigger than him. The fear that Gordon feels is not for himself, but rather the one he was forced to leave behind. 

_“Shut up.”_ Gordon growls at the Nihilanth. “Stop _talking.”_

_“It hurts, doesn’t it? That he’s fading and you can do nothing about it. We can feel how close he is to death, Gordon Freeman. Would you like to know how much time he has left? Would you like to know how much he **suffers?”**_

There’s a frenzied scream that rings out and the first shots are fired, all of which land around the creature’s eyes. But Gordon didn’t do any of it. Instead, he double takes and turns his head to see the real culprit: Tommy.

There are tears in Tommy’s eyes and they are furious. “We are _going_ to save Benrey.” Tommy emphasizes on every word and is just barely keeping his cool together, assuming he has any left. Sunkist circles his feet, growling and ready to attack. “But only after I show you and all of Xen _exactly_ how I feel.”

Bubby stares at Tommy for half a second in shock before a wicked grin overtakes him. Gordon doesn’t think Bubby knows he’s doing it because he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it but Bubby is _levitating_ just above the ground. Flames surround him, in sync with his movements and waiting for a command to strike.

“Well said, Tommy.” Bubby tells him, though both of their eyes remain trained on the creature in front of them. “Benrey’s a bastard and he’s _our_ bastard. You don’t fuck with one of our own.”

 _ **“Don’t fuck with the Science Team!”**_ Coomer’s voice is far deeper than usual and just as enthusiastic. There’s no mistaking it now, Coomer has grown. He looks twice his size and his fists are clenched. Coomer grins but it’s not friendly by any means. It’s a warning that Gordon roughly translates to mean _‘I’m going to fuck you up.’_

The blinding anger inside Gordon is replaced with a focused one. He smiles at his team before facing the creature in front of him once more. Gordon’s terrified beyond his own comprehension but he’s in control now. Because Tommy’s right, he _is_ going to make sure Benrey lives to see another sunrise, but only after he gives Xen a piece of his mind.

“You fucked up.” Gordon tells Xen. “And you’re going to pay for it.”

Gordon fires and the Science Team takes that as a ‘Go Ahead’ and launches their own attacks. All hell breaks loose and for once, Gordon has never felt better.

Snapping at Benrey never felt good, but this? Releasing his anger onto a being he _knows_ deserves every bit of it? This feels _good._

Gordon feels no remorse as the Nihilanth gets shot by Tommy, attacked by Sunkist, pummeled by Coomer, or set ablaze by Bubby. And when Gordon manages to strike the killing blow that causes everything around him to crumble and the creatures of Xen to cry out in pain? That’s satisfying. The anger in Gordon’s gut is gone and he only looks back once as he runs for the portal that’ll take him home. The only reason he does at all is to make sure that this is a blow that Xen won’t be coming back from.

Gordon’s exhausted and riddled with dirt, blood, and an aching pain. The adrenaline in his veins is settling down and it’s only a matter of time before he crashes. But even then, it feels good. Gordon accomplished something and it feels _good._

Gordon stumbles back into the Lambda Lab and is swarmed by Scientists. They’re all talking at once but Gordon doesn’t listen to any of them. Instead, he takes out the vile filled with the Healing Pool’s water and holds it out. 

_“Take it.”_ Gordon rasps. _“My friend- Benrey- he **needs** it.”_

Someone takes it from him and Gordon’s eyes begin to droop. He did his job, he can rest easy now. Gordon can’t make out much from the scientists but there’s one thing he hears loud and clear.

“Don’t worry about your friend, Dr. Freeman, he’s well taken care of. We’ll make sure he gets that sample.”

Gordon smiles before he lets himself pass out on the floor, not caring if the Scientists around him judge him for it. 

He just fought an alien god, he deserves a little shut eye.

—

There’s a finger poking Gordon’s face. He twitches, trying to fall back into a deep sleep but it pokes at him again and again.

_“Psst.”_

Gordon groans, lazily trying to swipe it away.

_“...Psssssst.”_

The voice persists. Gordon only groans louder, trying to communicate he wants to _sleep, dammit._ He’s had a long… How long has it been- a week? He’s had a long week. Gordon wants nothing more than to rest now, thank you very much.

The voice has other plans. _“Psst. Gordon. You’re still alive, right? You’ve uh. You haven’t moved for a while.”_

Gordon’s about ready to curse- or cry, he’s not sure- that he wants to continue sleeping but he stops. Because Gordon knows that voice and he’s never been happier to hear it.

Gordon opens his eyes and squints. Bright lights and white walls of what can only be a hospital room surround him. It takes a minute to focus on the blurry figure in front of him but there’s no mistaking it.

It’s Benrey, alive and grinning at him. Even if he’s still looking a little worse for wear, he’s _alive_ and that’s all that matters.

 _“I made it.”_ Gordon whispers in pleasant disbelief. It earns a laugh out of Benrey. 

“Yeah, you didn’t die. Not uh, not allowed to do that, actually. ‘S illegal.”

 _“N- no,_ I mean…” Gordon clears his throat when it dries up on him. He smiles all the same, no matter how much his body aches for him to sleep. “I- I made it in time. Got the cure to _you_ in time.”

The statement takes Benrey by surprise, it’s clear as day to see. Benrey sputters for something to say and falls flat. The sight of it rises a chuckle from Gordon. Benrey’s peculiar in every sense of the word but he likes it. 

Gordon grunts under his breath when he moves his arm. Benrey reacts quickly to it, telling him he shouldn’t be moving so soon but Gordon manages to reach out and brush Benrey’s cheek. It stops him immediately, going still. Gordon isn’t sure why he does it- making sure Benrey is real? Probably something ridiculous like that, Gordon is a sap after all- but Gordon doesn’t regret it. Because Benrey’s physically here and that’s the best news Gordon’s ever woken up to.

“I’m… I’m glad to see you’re okay.”

The strangled noise that leaves Benrey would’ve been alarming if it hadn’t been for the look on his face. Gordon quickly interprets the noise to mean that Benrey doesn’t know how to deal with compliments. It earns another wholehearted laugh out of him.

The moment doesn’t last. The door is nearly broken off its hinges when Dr. Coomer bursts through it. His eyes lay on Benrey and Gordon and he grins triumphantly.

“Ah, hello Gordon! Hello Benrey! I’m over the moon to see you’re both alive and well! I would’ve had to break into the Afterlife and pull you both back here if not!”

“Can you actually do that?” Gordon blurts out.

Coomer flexes his muscles. “Who’s going to stop me? Death is a skinny bitch, they sure couldn’t!”

Bubby pokes his head out from the door and steps inside once he sees Gordon and Benrey. “Finally.” He mumbles. “We‘ve bursted into twelve different rooms before we were told what room you two were staying in. If we got the wrong one again, I think they were going to ban us from the hospital wing.”

“Same shit as always then?” Gordon asks. 

Bubby cackles. “Good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor there, Gordon. Now can we get a move on or what? Hospitals freak me the fuck out and Tommy’s dad said he was going to take us all to Chuck E. Cheese.”

Gordon has a lot to say- mostly things that would disappoint Bubby given he doesn’t think he can get up but one thing stops him. “Tommy’s… Dad?”

Benrey raises an eyebrow at him in response. “You haven’t met him? He’s a cool dude.”

“He has met me, and I am indeed a ‘Cool Dude’ as you put it.”

Gordon’s jaw drops at the voice. An all too familiar figure enters the room with Tommy and Sunkist on his heels. Gordon honestly has no idea what to say, he just stares.

“You’re… You’re Mr. Coolatta then?” Gordon says slowly. Tommy weaves his way around everyone else and embraces Benrey as Gordon puts his head on straight.

“Yes. ‘G-Man’ works as well.” G-Man smiled. “I never quite properly introduced myself, did I? A privilege and a pleasure to speak with you again, Mr. Freeman.”

G-Man turns to everyone else, hands clasped together. “Would you all mind if I spoke to Mr. Freeman alone for a moment?”

Gordon’s not sure he likes the sound of that but nobody else argues with G-Man. Instead, they all step out of the room, with Benrey leaning on Tommy for support as he does. It’s only when the door is closed that Gordon has the courage to speak. “What do you want from me _now?”_

G-Man chuckles and shakes his head. “Other than for you to join us at Chuck E. Cheese? Nothing at the moment.” G-Man tells him. “I simply wished to say ‘Thank you’ for what you’ve done. I may not be from here but… I have a certain _fondness_ for this planet. Xen was a particularly _large_ threat, and the death of the Nihilanth has eliminated its main source of power, for now at least.”

“For _now?”_ Gordon couldn’t help but shiver at the thought.

G-Man chuckled, shaking his head. “Worry not, Mr. Freeman. My employers and I will ensure that Xen doesn’t become a problem ever again. You’ve done great things for us, and for me.”

 _“...And_ for you?” Gordon echoes.

G-Man pauses before elaborating on the latter. “The one who calls himself ‘Ben-rey’ is precious to Tommy. Without your efforts, I fear we would’ve lost him. So I thank you for that as well.”

“Tommy’s happiness is important to you.” It’s not a question by any means, but an observation that Gordon makes out loud. G-Man makes no effort to deny it.

“It is my number one priority, yes. I trust you can keep that comment between the two of us, my superiors wouldn’t like the thought that my interests could be _swayed_ for my son.” 

Gordon nods. He understands of course. He’s a father as well. Not to mention, he kind of owes the guy. He wouldn’t have found a cure for Benrey had G-Man not stepped in.

“With that in mind, I’ve decided that your actions should be awarded accordingly. You and your team will all be getting a _sizable_ check in the mail. Not to mention, I have ways of cutting all of your ties with Black Mesa. You won’t have to work here any longer, which I suspect you’ll want to take me up on.”

 _“Gladly.”_ Gordon breathes. The thought _alone_ of spending more time in Black Mesa after everything makes him shiver. “I… Thank you, Mr. Coolatta.”

G-Man smiles thinly. “Truly, it was nothing. I look forward to getting to know you, Mr. Freeman. You, Dr. Coomer, and Dr. Bubby have all been put under my care. I will ensure that nothing will harm you all if I can help it.”

G-Man stops again. Slowly, he approaches Gordon’s bedside and presses two fingers to his forehead. The gesture alarms Gordon at first but he calms himself, remembering that G-Man told him he was put under his care just moments ago. Gordon feels his pain and exhaustion wash away and by the time G-Man pulls his hand away, Gordon blinks, stunned.

“There. That should help.” G-Man nods, satisfied. “You should stand. We will be heading to Chuck E. Cheese in ten minutes.”

G-Man leaves without a second word. Gordon has no idea what he just did but it seemed to just… Heal him? It takes Gordon a moment to stand but when he does, he wastes no time to heads for the door.

The Science Team greets him happily once he exits his room. He exchanges a hug from each of them, his one with Benrey lasting a bit longer than the others, and gives Sunkist a good scratch under the chin.

It feels good. To be surrounded by the people he trusts and loves- to be safe at last. Suddenly, the idea of hanging out with all of them at Chuck E. Cheese seems a lot more appealing. A celebration and time to let loose now that they’re leaving Black Mesa for what will be the last time.

Gordon knows that going home will be rougher, but one thing at a time.

“Not that I’m complaining but… Why Chuck E. Cheese?” Gordon asks at last as they all exit the hospital wing.

“It’s- it’s really fun _and_ it’s my Birthday!” Tommy grins brightly. 

Gordon blinks. He wasn’t sure what answer he would get but it certainly wasn’t that one. “Oh shit, really? Happy birthday, dude!” Gordon gives him a pat on the back, mentally trying to remember what Tommy said his age was. “You’re… 37 now?”

Tommy nods. Benrey rolls his eyes playfully at him. “C’mon, you didn’t even know your own bud’s age? Lame.”

“He’s the _only_ one I know.” Gordon admits, though he doesn’t feel much shame for it. Nobody else told him after all. “You, Coomer, and Bubby- I have _no_ idea how old you guys are.”

“Older than you.” Bubby quips. “You should to your elders more.”

“Yeah? What kind of wisdom you got for me, Bubby?”

“When in doubt, fuck over the government.” Bubby says it way too quickly for it to be something he just came up with. “I’ve lived by those words my entire life and I’ve _lived_ because of it.”

“Truly the greatest mind of our generation.” Coomer adds. Bubby puffs his chest out at the compliment, clearly letting it boost his ego. Gordon can’t find it in him to care. 

Laughing comes easy with this team. He’s glad it does- through all the shit he’s been through, Gordon deserves a laugh at the very least. He wants to laugh like nothing else matters and not have to worry about any sort of danger around the corner because there is none. That sounds really good right now.

The five of them plus Sunkist finally join G-Man as he stands by the entrance of the Lambda Lab. A dark portal with a green outline is formed out of nowhere but Gordon can’t find it in him to question it. He’s seen weirder things happen.

“There we go…” G-Man nods, satisfied with his own work. “Are we all ready to go to Chuck E. Cheese then?”

“Think so.” Gordon lets out a long breath. It feels like such a dramatic shift to go from fighting an alien god to going to Chuck E. Cheese but Gordon’s glad for it. A little harmless fun is just what this group needs. “Feels like it’s been _ages_ since I’ve been in a restaurant.”

G-Man nods along before something makes him stop abruptly. Alarms run off in Gordon’s head as he slowly turns and faces Gordon head on.

“...Mr. Freeman, did you just call Chuck E. Cheese a ‘Restaurant’?”

—

Gordon doesn’t realize how long it’s been since he’s been truly safe until he’s sitting at Tommy’s birthday party and it hits him.

Gordon’s cleaner than he’s been in a week and the pizza is the best thing he’s eaten in too long. He passes on soda- god knows how much soda he’s had in Black Mesa- but lemonade refreshes him and Gordon sinks into his seat.

Around him, everything feels right. Tommy and G-Man are taking pictures with people dressed up in minion outfits. Coomer is getting the high score over and over again on a punching game and Bubby is doing the same with Space Invaders. Darnold joined the party an hour ago and is relaxing, drinking soda as he absentmindedly pets Sunkist. 

Gordon’s eyes finally trail over to Benrey, who sits beside him and has already downed all his food and drink. Benrey is looking him up and down but he seems just as relaxed as Gordon is. “You uh… You’re looking a lot better.” Benrey tells him.

“I _feel_ a lot better too.” Gordon stifles a laugh. “Never going back to Black Mesa again if I can help it.”

Benrey nods in agreement. He fidgets in his seat like he wants to say something but is holding back. Gordon places a hand on his and only then does Benrey meet his gaze. 

“Benrey, we both almost died for good back there,” Gordon says carefully, “So honestly, if you need to say something, say it. Don’t wait around when something else could stop you, just _say it.”_

Benrey hesitates but firmly nods in the end. “Okay uh… I- I really care about you.” Gordon opens his mouth to agree but Benrey beats him to it. “Not just… not just in a platonic way. But in a… In a _not_ platonic way too... Y'know?"

Benrey doesn’t have to say it, Gordon catches on. 

Truth be told, Gordon was so focused on getting everyone out of there that he honestly didn’t think about it that much. But he did think about it. Long nights where Benrey rested his head against his shoulder made his mind wander. Now Benrey’s looking at him like that and, well… 

Gordon feels something too. A deep seeded feeling in his chest that helped carry him all throughout Xen. Which of course, he wants to test out. Gordon is a scientist at heart and to see if something’s true, he has to run a test.

Gordon reaches out and holds Benrey’s face. “Can I try kissing you?” Benrey opens his mouth but no words come out so instead, he nods ever so slightly, eyes wide. Gordon leans in and presses his lips against him. The feeling in his chest grows exponentially until he’s swimming in the euphoria. 

“Yeah.” Gordon grins when he pulls away. Benrey’s looking more than a little star struck but he still hears him. “I definitely feel the same way.”

A wide smile breaks out on Benrey’s face. “Can we uh… Can we do that again?”

Gordon doesn’t hesitate. He leans in again and Benrey meets him halfway.

It feels good in more ways than one. Because Benrey’s safe, Gordon’s safe, and they don’t have to worry about anything else in this moment. The future is full of uncertainty but Gordon knows Benrey will be in it and that’s enough for him.

—

With all that happened, the Science Team eventually had several stories to swap. Gordon and Benrey had their fair share but one that Benrey was particularly interested to hear about was the rest of the team’s trip to Xen. Coomer is the only one who’s willing to tell Benrey exactly what the Nihilanth said, specifically about him.

‘Guard dog’ huh?

Benrey isn’t really insulted. He’s been called worse, not to mention, he’s not something he completely despises. Being called a pet- no, Benrey’s his own entity, but a guard dog feels different.

It’s right, but not in the way the Nihilanth had intended. 

Benrey remains loyal and protective. He firmly watches over Gordon and will bare his teeth at anyone who threatens his safety. 

Benrey lays in the comfort of Gordon’s arms at night and would do anything to keep him from harm. Because Benrey watched Gordon get hurt once and refuses to see that happen ever again, especially at his own hands.

If Xen or the Military or Black Mesa ever come knocking, Benrey will answer the door. He will stand between them and Gordon and he will not budge.

And the best part about it is that he knows if anything targets him, Gordon would do the exact same thing. 

It almost feels like a dream to have it end like this but Gordon’s arms curl around him in his sleep and Benrey knows it’s real.

Benrey feels love and he is loved and there’s nothing more he could ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> oH BOY. That took. So long. To finish but hopefully it was worth it and a good read because I worked veryyy hard on it. There's kinda lot of notes, very sorry, here we go:
> 
> \- The two driving emotions throughout the whole first part are Benrey's Guilt and Gordon's Anger and they both revolve around the fact that they need to TALK but haven't. Tommy points this out very quickly because unlike the other two, he's not a complete dumbass and he knows his friends are hurting but also knows forcing it won't do anything. They got to do this on their own terms.
> 
> \- I don't think this came up but Gordon gets irritated when Benrey doesn't listen to him because he thinks he's not listening because he doesn't respect him after the betrayal-
> 
> \- Writing as Xen being a collective Hivemind was honestly kinda fun because it's a whole different way of thinking- you're not just one person, you are millions working together and hopefully that shows in how I wrote out their own little piece on it
> 
> \- I love writing G-Man as not only having his usual ulterior motives but having his main motive being that he wants the best life possible for his son because Tommy deserves a good dad and writing G-Man like that is a lot more fun than any other G-Man because there's an underlying layer of wholesome in everything he does.
> 
> \- What happened on Coomer, Bubby, and Tommy's adventures of rescuing aliens and such is up to your imagination but I imagine a lot more happened than just 'The usual shit' that Bubby downplays
> 
> \- It's MY story and _I_ get to choose the cool Xen lore (Or in other words, I wanted to have fun writing about Xen so it might not all be accurate-)
> 
> Anddd that's all I can think of. This fic got LONG holy shit. But! Thank you for reading! Comments are highly appreciated- I read every single one, I promise- and hopefully you all liked this fic!


End file.
